The Dream From What I Can Remember

I had a dream that you said "I Love You" again.
But i also dreamt that i was rioting on the somewhat narrow city streets of philadelphia. The buildings were high, towering over us, to the point where no sun could be let in. Only shadows. Buildings made of red brick. Early English.
I dreamed that i went down a very narrow, compressed alley. Halfway down this all was a golden basketball court. Two brunette twins wearing only red and black were playing basketball. An asian boy around my age with a light brown hair and emo lock was sitting in one corner of the caged court, looking down, expressionless, playing with his fingers.
I dragged my bike over to the end of the cage. I looked over the edge and saw a crevice between this cage and the cage below. I threw my bike over into said crevice and noticed it was two small and beyond the next cage was too deep of a fall. Almost like a lighted abyss.
I knew i was running from something but i have no idea what. none at all. Maybe the riot? Maybe what the city was rioting for? I don't know.
The Two girls and boy came and helped me back onto the court from the crevice. The twins spoke.
"Im sunset."
"And im summer"
Interested, we began to speak. Me, Sunset, Summer, and the well tanned asian kid whose name wont return to memory.Then on the ledge by the cage sat a Opium fruit. It resembled a black tangerine with a dark blue glow. The inside shone a dark blue fluorescence. We both new what it was and agreed to partake just a little if the other one did. And we did. We peeled the skin off and took one parcle of the Opium. It was juicy and tasted like a tangerine in-between ripe and new born. I straightened out from my bent position. I felt no effect. I thought since we only took a little, we'd be fine. Then my head started to pulse and vision went black.
I awoke in my bed. My mother was just leaving the room. I blink and my brother walked in.
"What happened Ave?"
"Who knows......."
All other conversation with him was either in-audible or my head wont allow me to remember. But there was more conversation with him.When he left my room i reached under my bed to search for my skateboard my mother came in again.
"The reason you can't find your board is because you ate it Lev. The Opium, Lev."
Then i remembered. I saw myself somewhere that my brain wont allow me to remember. But i saw myself chomping away at the deck as if it were a piece of toast. Broken pieces flying everywhere as i savagely attacked the wooden board.

Rubber Leaves Marks On The Innocent

Rubber Leaves Marks On The Innocent

Shirt Says Nothing Except It All

I Desperatly Want This Shirt.





















It Says A Lot. I saw it on another site and had to show the glorious crude humor that we all love.
New shirt by Warren Ellis that I must have.
-I'm The Worst.

The Forbidden Fruit Of My Glorious Loom

Fallen from the same place where puberty made its extravagant entrance
The place where pregnancy was now an issue
Sleep upon the bridge of good times
The bridge of remebrance and reminiscing
Remembering that time
Time wet, sticky, disgusting time.
The time that you thought was gonna be better
the time the big lipped manakin laid above you as you soiled yourself mentally
As you prepared yourself for the worst senario
As you prepared to take the leap
The leap into what they call manhood
The leap into what i call the penile demise
The penile demise which change your life for the worse
It could make you or break you
I gurantee it will break you
unless you live your life off a strong backbone and stronger drugs
Stronger drugs as a replacment for what you crave
Not what you crave any more
Just because you enjoy it
You, a lilly licker from who-knows-where, enjoys
Most likely because no one wants you to enjoy it
Its forbidden fruit of the loom
Forbidden fruit that yields truth and lies
Fobidden fruit for reasons that it can drive the most sane man to run around in bright green spandex,
A bright purple cape,
a dogs penis glued to his forehead,
and chop off peoples hair and toenails with butterknives and it it in front of their faces.
But MY forbidden fruit of the loom
The fruit that lies active under mys skivvies
Under my undergarments of truth, wisdom and understanding
My forbidden fruit shall set you free
Let you know the truth
The truth that only you want to hear
It may tell others one thing but "you"...
The fruit tells "you"....
What "you" want to hear
Exactly what "you" and only "you" wanto to hear
And you'll love it
I promiss it'll fill you up with glee
and.......

The Truth
The truth from my forbidden fruit which lies active within my skivvies
will set you free
Free to feel how you want to feel with no regard
My forbidden fruit of the forbidden loom
The forbidden fuckin' loom
The Loom which only that person gets to operate
Will he operate it correctly
with precision
and keep the rules,
and law
and feelings in mind.
Thats Up to you

But Keep in mind,
My Fruit Is Pure
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
If You Want It To Be



-HSD

A Letter For An Animal Accident

Dear HorribleSexyDrunk,

Someone Today compared your everyday activities to those of the mediocre, immature Captain Underpants. They have basically belittled you to a mere crude childrens book. 20 words per page. I felt as though this is very disrespectfully to you. I see you not as a fatuous middle aged man parading around in his undergarments, but more as a political figure. A leader if you will. I took this comment to heart and found great insolence in this comment. To compare you to Captain Underpants is like comparing Ghandi to a mere pothead hippie. You don't "usually" strut around in your skivvies without good reason. There were many people making negative commens toward you and me and the rest of the followers wont stand for it. I felt that I should be the first to let you know what was being said about you in the alternate dimension. I don't agree with these brusque statments and I believe in you whole heartedly.

Sincerly,

Shucks Diketah from Notting Hill, London




Dear Lowly Diketah,

I would like to thank you earnstly for caring so much and slobbing so much. It takes a lot of breath to do what you are doing. your lungs and throat must be under a lot of stress. Thank you for putting under so much meat to make sure wrong doings are recognized. ummmmm, as for the Captain Underpants statement that was said in Notting Hill, im guessing, Its ok. Don't let bother you. I take it as a positive. He is a great role model and I think children of the new generation should look at his books as a bible for the young. Flip page action is nice. Concerning the negative comments about me, they're all true. Not "probably" true. They are true. I don't really need to know what they are saying but if its negative and adverse, then its me. If anyone were to say i were a baby hugger, then you have the right to kill them with an index card if nessecary. Maybe a sharpie. Whatever you can find at your desk. Leg of a stool. Stool meaning excrement. Kill them all with your hugs. Hugs of hatred.
I most certainly have reason for parading in my........."Skivvies". Most of the time im under the influence, the drunkard that I am. But thank you young swallower. I appreciate your consideration. I shall send you a goody bag as a reward for your well doing. And don't Digest too much.

With Much Love.........Psshht!-Hate

HorribleSexyDrunk


A Week Later,
Diketah receives the much anticipated goodie bag from HSD.
After opening the bag he decides to write a very brief message back to HSD. This is what it contained.

Dear HorribleSexyDrunk,

Thank you For the goody bag. Once I cleaned all my wounds, ripped the kittens bloody claws from my face, had them declawed and vaccinated, it turned out to be a wonderful gift. I recognized the symbolism it showed. "Never Give Up!" i thought as I peeled the last feline from my face. Just as I expected from the great Sensei Drunkwalls.
Domo Arigato Mr. Roboto

Sincerly,

Shucks Diketah

Seven Periods After Each Sentences Is Fun

Hotel rooms and butt-face junkies.
"CLOSE THE WINDOWS DOPE FIEND!"
I hate everyone. Why are this many people in one hotel room.
Ruey: NUGGY! You smell flippin' TERRIBLE!!! Did you not take a shower when theres one right flipping there?!?!
Nuggy(obviously high): Yo man.... chill with all that bra. tee-hee...
Nuggy keeps slumping towards Ruey trying to hug him and be console through whatever is going on in his elevated world right now. I think i see a tear in his eye.
In a corner is Mokbel, rubbing his eyes cause he doesn't want to listen when people tell them that they're backwards. Suffer. Enjoy the redness and love your eyes being irritated you stubborn bastard.
He starts mumbling to himself
Mokbel: I hate these people......
He pulls out a sword and gets on his knees as if ready to commit seppukku. Wait. Did he just pull that sword out his ass? As much as i'd love to watch him mutilate himself, I get off the bed with my shoulders slumped and head outside. Dizzy is leaned up against the wall by the door smoking a cig and watching something in the parking lot with his lazy, red eyes. I stare at him with a gaze, waiting for him to realize that im shooting my infared beams into his temple. What the hell is wrong with him. With his eyes still fixated at the parking lot,
Dizzy: Dude, i, like, wanna hit her sooo bad. and not in a sexual way. I just wish i didnt have a penis for just on damn day. ONE DAMN DAY! and i'd fight her, and beat the craptrash out of her......
HSD: Me too, man. Me too.
I pry his pack of ciggs out his hand and light one at my lips. Post myself against the wall with one foot up.
Dizzy: Dude, she just urks me so bad. And im flippin stuck with her throughout this whole trip.
HSD: Well im stuck with you guys against my will. Make the best of it and quit girling you pansy!
I slap him across the face. appearently harder than i expected since he went spiraling into a car and set off the alarm. He peeled his face off the newly dented car. He it looked as if he were looking at the car but knowing Dizzy, he's probably somehow looking at the sound of the alarm which is impossible......... thats ok though. In my world anything is possible.
He stomps on the front hood of the car and a purple smoke mystically starts pouring out.
Then a pink genie, who looks like he works as a male stripper at ChocoSticks Night Club, spins out elagantly from the mist.
Genie: Hi everyone! I tho love your thexy beater! It should tho be a more lavender color though. I thi--
Dizzy quickly beats the genie to death. He opens a flap in the cloud of purple smoke and stuffs the genies lifeless body inside. The Smaoke disappears. He posts up against the wall next to me and lights up a LungRaze. We hear a noise from the roof and we both look up.
We see a light skinned devil flipping acrobatical from the roof. He heads down to the pavement so gracefully. The he precipitously lands on his neck......
with out seeing his face, i automatically know its Alo.
He gets up like he never fell and posts up in between me and Dizzy like he was there before us. Alo: Wassup guys.
I give a hug of hatred.
Alo steals a cigg from Dizzy and casually slips it on his lips and proceeds to raze his lungs. All three of our heads were leaking of smoke when our attention was drawn by an orange kitten walking across the parking lot as if he owned it. I want it. I'll sleep better tonight if i have it. We swiftly take our eyes off the cat for a split second to look at each other in agreement. Affirmative. WE SPEEDILY ATTACK! The cat recognizes me and realizes whats going on but doesnt move. We have this in the bag. We all dive for the cat. Like and old eighties comedy, we land, knocking our heads together with the cat within mere inches of our finger tips. The cat goes into Dizzy's pocket and takes a cigg, lights it and starts walking away on two feet. He throws on some shades and gives us the middle finger. Then the camera goes to his front with him walking and a huge explosion goes off in the background. Action movie type.

That Explosion Happens To Be Our Heads.

Evil Emperess Falls Asleep.

The Evil Emperess of The Darkest Place.
She sits on her throne with so much arrogance. So much cockiness.
She holds a black leather whip in the right hand and a bag o' nuts in the left. She runs the Abyssal Plane with and iron cheekbone. She watches earth with a dark intent. Her day comes to make a personal visit to earth.
She calls for her evil servents to raise her up above ground.......


My brain is shooting blanks right now. music on the mind. Brain infiltrated by the goverments pesticides. finish it tomorrow. Sorry Evil Emperess.

Entry of Intoxication

Well i slipped under a car today to catch a cat and experiment on a cat when the car backed up and crushed my ribs. I took a drug to make it all better. We were in the middle of bumblef***. We didn't know where the closest hospital was. Plus, i like drugs.
Sleep in the rain
Please endure the pain
Let it soak in and say the name in vain.

Ruey: Yo! HSD, why you such a terrible person?
HSD: Cause I like to see people suffer.
Nuggy: Well THats not nice.
HSD: Neither is your face, bastard.
Alo: You are always on somebody gat
HSD: Well you love that about me.
Mokbel: I hate you.
HSD: Not as much as i hate you.......... and your face.
Evil Kittin in Backseat: I will have revenge........ rrrrrr(cute little purr)
HSD: i experimented on you brother.
Inga: Why do you drink so much?
HSD: Why do you.....*Hiccup*......your face!!!

HSD drops on his face and falls asleep.

The Angel With Black Wings (WEC part three)

We stopped at a diner on the side of the road once i woke up from my coma. Couldn't really muster up the energy to speak, let alone get up, with my fatigued body.

While Ruey and Nuggy were dragging me across the glass-shard laced road, i peacefully slipped back into unconcsiousness. (If you consider kicking and cursing peaceful.)

I awake in a groggy manner sitting in what looks like a bathroom stall. I look around and see graffiti, yellow puddles and feces spray against the stall walls. How the hell-- why the hell would someone shoot the dook against the walls. It looks like they shot from a double barrell shot gun. But ive actually seen worse. Possibly done worse just in spite of humanity.

Then i see something that worries me.

Theres a hole carved through the wall with tape around it.

Above it said

Too tired.... didn't even feel to get up and avoid all possibility of male genitals bursting through the walls, excited, and blocking the only exit. I here voices. Lucky for me that they're female voices.

The door swings open and i shift on the toilet seat. I cover my face to block block the light and the ever so possible rampage of trans-dicks.

After i realize the no penises were after my fae, i lower my hands to see tho was there.

Twas a female indeed.

She looked at me with a raised eyebrow as if she had never seen a grown man ,who looks and feels like isht, sitting on a stall toilet in a fetal position.

She had an an indian completion, Long black hair with purple streaks. Pierced eyebrows and nose. Skinny brows. She wore grey jeans and a t-shirt that had an cartoon rabbit on the front giving the middle finger with a smile on its face.

I shook my head a little, as much as i could with such little energy, when i realized i was staring. Then she said, "You look like isht...... were you gang reaped?"

She smiled at me. Not a regular that strangers give me that make me want to kick their crotch, then momentarily after, step on a kindergarteners lunch bag. But instead a smile that actuall let blood rush to my brain. The only thing thats been up there has been booze for the past 11 years.

I smiled back even though my face felt like it had really been gang raped by a thousand rhinos.

I tried to get up but i stumbled back onto the toilet seat. She came and helped me up. I heaved up my soul into the toilet and then she helped my to the sink to wash my face. I looked around the tagged bathroom and noticed there were no urinals.

"Am I in the girls bathroom?"

"Yeah you are. Do you even know how you got here?"

I wasn't really sure but i had a couple ideas.

Booze

Drugs

My terrible friends

Evil kittens seeking revenge.

"Not quite sure."

Actually, it could be a combonation of all four.

She continued to help me regain composure and mental stability, since i would randomly start babbling about nothing. I'd literally just start yelling random words.

We walked out of the bathroom and sat at the counter of the diner. My bastards(friends) are no where to be found. Me and the profane rabbit girl begin talking over a cup of coffee. She looks at her coffee like something was missing. Then she looks around behind the counter and gestures to the lady working the register.

"Your microwave is eating your son again."

She turns around franticly.

"Not Again! HERB!"

SHe runs to the kitchen. The when she's out of site, Rabbit Girl reaches over the counter and grabs a couple bottles of booze and hug them to her chest. She gets up, grabs her coffee and heads towards the door. She stops and looks back at me.

"Well, come on now."

I look at her, then the kitchen. I jump over the counter and say "eh, WHAT THE HELL!" I like her style. She's like a female me. I look behing the counter for something to stuff my pockets with. I leap back over the counter with twelve packs of cigerettes. Its a good day. We walk outside. She pops opena bottle of booze and starts pouring it in the cup of coffee. Her tongue sticks out the side of her mouth as she tries to put in the percise amount.

"So, you haven't told me your name yet, you rude bastard."

Her eyes were still fixated on pouring her mixture.

"Well i didn't even think about i was obligated to do so since i thought i was f***in dead!!!"

"Well unless you WANT to be a rude dogf***in butthole... well i have manners and class."

She takes a deep swig of her toxin. Contradict.

"Im angel. Et toi?"

" People call me HorribleSexyDrunk."

"And, wow, thats a fitting name."

I pull out a carton and take a cig out. She takes one out my carton uninvited. I look at her and she shrugs her shoulders. We light up and start to talk. Laughter and profanity fuels our conversation.

"I flippin* hate it here, Drunk. There is absolutely nothing to do around here."

We sit down on the parking bumpers.

"People here are so damn boring. I miss the city so much. I'd give anything to go back."

"hmmm"

A thought shot through my head."Would you even go to Wisconsin?"

She looks at me like she realizes my plan for her.

My bastard crew pull up in the van and comes to a screeching halt. Nuggy and Ruey sticks half their bodies out the front seats, shirtless.

I turn to Angel, "You're coming with us."

"CONTINUE THE ROADTRIP!!:"

A brick pounds nuggy's face and he falls out the window. I proceed to pound his face with my fists, feet, kneecaps and forehead.

"Why the hell did you bastards leave me here!!! What the hell was wrong with me?!?! What did you do!? I swear I'll kill you all!!!"

While Im attack the van, Angel walks back out with a suitcase. She tosses it in the back of the van and the taps my shoulder.

"Lets go to wisconsin. Then the big CITY!"

She then throws the rest of her isht in the back of the van and takes the seat that is quite obviouslty mine. We look at each other and she pats the seat. I drop Nuggy ever so gently(sarcasm) "THUD!", and climb back into my seat next to her like a puppy to its owner.

I look at Angel and snaps back to my horrible sexy senses and push her violently out my seat. I sit there comfortably but with a frown on my face because we're so close to reaching WisEffinConsin...............

WisEffinConsin Part 2

The doors slide open. Shots of our shoes stomping on the dusty roadside, kicking up dust.


I inhale, but i'd never cough.


Never show any signs of weakness.


Never give in.


Besides, I inhale much worse on a daily basis.


My eyes slowly rise to see Mokbels face about ten feet away. A pensive face that reads "Kill Me". We stand there quietly, in a stare down of death. Friends watch the soon-to-be catastrophe scene from behind the safety of the care windows.


PANSIES.


Mokbels wrist snaps back, swiftly between his belt and expensive, designer jeans. The silence is broken. He rushes towards me with his right hand holding something tightly at his waist. He appears within five feet and slashes his hand in the direction of my face.


Useless.


He's too far away to reach me, or so I thought. As he stands there in front of me with a bastardly smirk on his face, I recognize a lock of my hair falling to the ground in beteen my feet.


Flippin' c***smoker.


He rushes at me again and its revealed to me that he brought along his excessivly long sword. He's not the only one who came armed.


He gets close enough and unsheathes. I dip back and dodge his slash that he attempts at my head. On the way back up, I pull out a cigg, light it and smoke it halfway, all in one swift motion. Then i singe his forehead with it. He stumbles back, screaming in agony. I yank my bat from out my cloak and decide to go to work.


Swift pound from my bat to his cheek. His head jerks back and blood flies out. Then a flying kick to the gut to bend him over. He grasps his stomach and falls to his knees, coughs and spits out blood. He pulls his head up, cuts, bruises and all.

He Smirks.
I smile back despite my deep disgust from his crimson red glistened teeth. We burst into laughter and i help him up. Deep, hearty laughter all the way to the car. Confused faces are plastered against the car windows. My smile drops from my face to the ground and melts into the gutter.
"What the d*** are you dog*****rs looking at? I stil hope for you all to die, and when you do, i'll make sure all the STD, AIDS and diseased people of the city come to the graveyard with powdered baby-bisquits and slimy caves, and reap the scum and and maggots out of your dead, troubled bodies. And don't think your souls will rest in peace, cause the big man upstairs still owes me from when i got him out of an abusive relationship with, what he though was an angel but was really a demon.
Sleep Lightly."
Their faces still haven't moved from the window but the expressions are now horrified. I walk around the side, enter the vehicle and take my seat.
As my face is placed ever so sternly facing forward, I'm reminded of the fact that im still on my way to WisEffinConsin............



Blow up the Beach
Choke on the Reef
Swallow the Debris
Tie and Gag with a Sleeve

WisEffinConsin! Part 1

Wis effin Consin!
The worst place ever. But where isnt?

• Expensive Cigarettes
• Expensive Distasteful Booze
• No Good Drugs
• Kittens Population: Donuts
• Mammal Population: Donuts
• Hours of Sleep Received: Donuts
• Hate Filled Fun: TONS!

I went to Wiseffinconsin with a couple of my friends. We board the van at around 6 in the morning. Van filled with estrogen, testosterone and hatesperm-a-churning. Too early for the 16 hour trip. I reconsider killing these "FRENZ" that drag me on this trip.
As we're packing in the car a comment that stabs my nerves drives past me ears.
"I dont believe we finally get to drive over the ocean to get to wisconsin."
With flames in my eyes and abhorrence in my hear. I unpack my bloody baseball bat to recoat it with a new layer of sanguine fluid.
After the beaten mistress, by the name of "Ally", is rejuvenated through medical care, we leave for wisconsin.
Three hours into the trip im complaining to my hearts extent.
"I dont understand why i have to go with you turdlettes to this stupid, unimportant state. I heard the population there is tires. Meaning no one. What is you guys real reason for going there!?!
THERE IS ABSOLUTE NOTHING F***ING THERE!!!"
A spiked bottom shoe speeds through the air, stabs and sticks to the side of my face. I have been silenced.
An enraged Mokbel yells from the drivers seat.
"Why The FLIP are you always yelling and complaining!!!!!"
He pulls out a sai.
I pull out a katana.
The car pulls over.
Van Door opens.
Battle Commences.

The Horrible Sexy Drunk Is Back

Sorry everyone who reads. I havent been keeping updated lately. Been busy with a lot of stuff but I also have a lot of stories for you internet freaks. Been on trips and brought back fuzzy memories for you to hear. So just know, The Horrible Sexy Drunk Is Back.

Sleep in the heat
Bump to my beat
Ice shards in my feet
Glass shards wear I eat

Good Night

Horrible Sexy Birthday

Thursday was the day of my birth. The most dreaded day that the earth has ever faced. The national holiday that the world celebrates in misery and dispair.
But my "friends decided to take me out for my birthday instead of me sitting in my room, drunk, thinking of ways to kill myself or kill everybody on earth. Moreover a way to not be around humans.

They all assembled at my door.
Nuggy knocks on the door.
Nuggy: "HSD!!! Come on out! We're taking you out today!"
HSD: "NO!! You'll never take me alive you scummy b*****ds!!!"
Alo: "Come on, man! stop being a meat!"

I never leave my military position behind the door concealed, safe, in my home base.
I sit on the floor with my back against the door. My protective hat on and my potato gun in hand.

HSD: "A meat, I'll never be! A hater of society, you can guarantee."

They bumrush the door and send a barrage of angry party goers in after my bounty. They force strip me and oblige me to put clothes on before I am drag out of my house. I told them that nakedness is the beauty of god, but the said going to jail to become somebodies sexual slave wasn't.
After I was pressured into their car I asked them where we were going.

HSD: "So where are you heathens taking me???"
Ruey: (grumbles) "we're going to your moms house."
HSD: "Dead"
Alo: "We're going BOWLING!!!"

I sigh in grief.
We get into the bowling alley, they pay for me and get me size deathtoe bowling shoes.
Humor me not.
We get to our lane and i refuse to bowl. they sign me in and I have Dizzy bowl for me for the whole first game.
The night progresses and I continue to get increasingly drunk. By the third game im playing, well, and from what I can remember through my fuzzy, liquor filled memory, I had fun.
I remember throwing bowling balls erratically at Alo and crushing his toe in a drunk blast of happiness, throwing my bowling balls, instead of rolling, and putting holes in each lane of the alley, pulling rabid kittens out of my cloak and tossing them at fellow bowlers and read the almanac on the toilet while letting out my explosive turdlettes. Thats what i remember of it.
I woke up in the morning hung over as usual and with a happy feeling and a post it note on my bedside table.
It read:
Hey,
This is Alo. I brought you home and laid you in your bed because you were terribly drunk. You injured the majority of us so I had to take you home because I was the least injured(Broken Toe) out of us. Im glad you enjoyed yourself so much. Im sure some of your friends hate you now but I understand how you act during happiness you jolly b*****d. Well im going to the hospital to check on our injured friend. Drink some water.
-Alo

I smiled.
I went to the kitchen with a lit cigarette at 9 in the morning. Cooked up some leftover ardvark for Jehosophat and Silvia and called them for breakfast.
We sat down. They noticed my black eye and asked me what happened.
I told them "I had a night out with some reapists."

Sewer Fungus and Nut Kicking Spree's

Its 4 AM.
I cant get any sleep because of the two children in my house abusing their new bodies.
The decided to come in my room and replace my glass of liquor that i keep on my bedside table with a mixture of anti-freeze and heroin. (which I have no idea how the got access to.)
Noramaly this would have been ok but I needed my sleep for the next morning when i have my nut kicking spree. And to add to the terrible sickness I now feel, they can both poop out dinosaur sized feces into a glass. I mistook it for chocolate and guzzled it down.
Their new bodies and trying to kill me. Jehosophat loves me but is just too playful. I'll set up a hammer and springboard by his nuts tomorow. And Silvia has a deep hatred for everything.... including me.
Oh god! Here come the little bas****s with knives, batons, rubber bands and stethescopes!
HELP..........

Connection cutoff messege:
Hey, sorry bout that. either im dreaming about doing terrible things to your family's pet or im throwing toe fungus, found in the sewers, off of my roof and into the city.
Have a HorribleSexyDay

Normalcy

On a bright sunday morning, i took Silvia and Jehosophat to a evil lair owned by an evil scientist on the evil side of town.
Im very good friends with this evil scientist.
We arrived at his house after a long walk full of annoying questions such as
Jehosophat: "Are We going to the park?!?!"
Silvia: Are we gonna watch you commit suicide?!?!
Jehosophat: The ZOO?!?!
Silvia: Body off a cliff?!?!
Jehosophat: AMUSEMENT PARK!!??!!??!!
Silvia: SEPPUKKU??!!??!!??!!??
and such.
We walk up his excessivly long driveway and seep into the fog a black clouds. Bats decide to fly around the tip of his mansion for a reason unknown to me. We finally reach his door. I flick the sweat off my forehead and wipe it on Jehosophat's packed lunch. Just as im about to knock on the door, it slowly creeps open and bats come flying out shooting spiky fecal bullets at us. I run through the door making sure that I get to safety before them because im that caring. Id crush them if I were to get hurt.
We get into his house safely..... Well, I did at least, and there was the scientist standing there. He had long black curly hair, a black cloak that had an alien blood, purple interior. He was six foot 3. Around my height. As he slowly and eerily walked towards me, I saw two small, shapr, white object by his mouth. Looked like extremly sharp teeth, with a tint of dark red.
Then he clapped *CLAPP!* and The kids jumped in horror.
The light turned on the light.
"DRUNK!!!!" The scientist yelled out in a romanian accent.
" Well if it isnt Dragos. Your bats tried to attack me with their anus'"
"Yes. sorry about that, but i just returned home today from my family in southern Romania. Those bats just seemed to make themselves at home in my house while I was gone, but i dont mind. So what brings you here?"
"Well I wanted to see if you could help these kids that ive taken in with their deformaty problem."
"Lets see, Head on the neck? NO PROBLEMO!"
He brought us into his basement and got to work right away.
Blood crudling screams exploded out the house throughout the 2 hr procedure.
At the end of the night I got to walk home with two children instead of one and a half and two bite marks on my neck.

I regret corrying you for nine months.

My Fish Have Feet

I sleep with the mindset of a million dead pilgrims and wake up in a pool of sweated out sins. What a wonderful day.

Schedule:

• Wake up in a thick green puddle under a car.
  
• Find my way back home.
  
• Eat some leftover ardvark.
  
• Give Jehosophat and Silvia spankings for pooping next to the toilet when I specifically gave them instruction not to.
  
• Leave my house in search of the monk that beat me up in an alley and stole my lizard drugs.
  
• Come home with a monks foot for dinner and a bag full of lizard secrestions.
  

Jehosophat and Silvia eat well.

Sex Kills and Creates Mutated Babies

I decided to take a step onto the city sidewalk today and take a whiff of the polluted air. I took a deep breath and choked violently. The Aids in the air attacked my lungs visciously with no sympathy not pity toward my blackened organs. After composure was regained, i started my morning hunt for orphan kittens and other mentally impaired mammals of the city. It seems they were all waiting for me in the alley.(Most likely because i still had not payed them in kibble for the last time they helped me against the force of Drunk mutiny.) I wasnt buying into it. The were plotting against me. I decided to go hunt in a different section of the city seeing as how my center city mammals have betrayed me.
Alleys of the South Side.
The industrial factory smoke is much thicker than that of Center City's. It reeks of underpaid slaves and cheap drugs.
I walk down a neighborhood where there is a sea of children in the streets playing and reaping each other. A parent on her porchis yelling at her chil with the utmost disrespect. The scruffy child yells out,
" F*** YOU, MOM! Im sick of your hypocritical prejudices against mutation! I hope a train slides off the tracks and rams into your area of rest."
He runs off the porch and jets my way. As he gets closer I start to see a strange growth on his neck.
..............
He has a whole other f***in' head on his neck!
Both heads are bobbing around while tears are streaming of their faces. He screams,
"Our mother doesnt love us!"
The female head on his shoulder says nothing as this is going on. She just looks down with a despondent expression. I grab their arm and lift them up.
"What's your,..... you guys names?"
While im speaking to him, im examining his sister on his neck.
He sniffles a little. Then sucks in a colossal snot glob back into his nose.
"My, My n-name is Jehosophat"
Then the sister talks still with a a depressed look on.
"Im Silvia."
"Ok, guys. Come with me."
I put them down and we star walking and talking.
"My name is........... but you can call me HorribleSexyDrunk, Mr. Drunk or Sensei Drunkwalls."
"OK, SENSEI DRUNKWALLS!!!!"
It seems that Jehosophat owns all the vigor in this family.
"So can I ask you two a question? How did you guys get this way?"
"We have a terrible mother."
Silvia says,
She doesnt love us even though she is the one that made us this way. When she was pregnant with us, she did a lot of stress to deal with the death of our father, with out thinking about the fact that she's pregnant. Our father was murdered by a hawaiin monkey that he was experimenting on in his lab. The monkey was named Nepolean. The drug that was injected into Nepolean was unstable and caused it to go insane. In its rage of insanity, it murdered our dad. Then Nepolean proceeded to try and enslave the human race, except for the hawaiins, but his attempt was unsuccessful and he was put in prison.Anyway, the drugs that my mother took were found in my fathers lab. It had some reaction that fused us together while in the womb. And we came out like this."
"Wow!
I want some of whatever she's taking!(under breath)
Well usually I express my deep hatred for children but seeing as how your mother is disusted by your very appearence, I'll take you guys to stay with me.(They can be my SLAVES!! BWAHAH!)"
Silvia: "Really!! I mean... I dont care."
"That'd be awesome to get away from our bastard mother who doesnt fed us."
" T'would. Now come on. I have thirteen kung fu ardvarks to find, capture and skin."
We spent the rest of the day fighting ardvarks with opposable thumbs. When we got back to the house we went straight to eat.
"Eat your ardvark ear Jeahosaphat"
"OK!"
" I really cant stand saying your names. (While choking on Ardvark Genitals) I now dub thee Sir ......... I cant think of anything. I'll rename you later."
I layed out the rules at dinner. You know, the basics like
"No defecating next to the toilet. I know kids like to do that."
and
"My drugs are off limits. If you want your own, you ask me before you go in the alley and i must be with you."
The Basics.
I set up their new room. After the went to sleep, I went to the bar to think of a plan to bring them back to normal. My seat at the bar was ready for me to get my midnight fuel.
"GIVE ME THE MOST ILLEGAL DRINK THAT YOU HAVE, BARTENDER!!!"
"With pleasure." The bartender is always happy to see me.
While enjoying a bitter alcoholic beverage, my plan came to mind and blueprinted itself out.
These kids will be normal.

Silvia Dreamt of Hawaiin Monkey's, World war III and me dressed as Tarzan trying to infect the world.

Sweet, Sweet Escapism

"I’m tired of you teachers taking advantage of your power! Some of the other students might be ok with your abuse but I wont take that s#!t. I won’t sit here quietly while this injustice is going on."
Young strongly spoken student speaks his mind against the corruption going on in the educational system. It happens in all systems of the world. He dare not raise his voice but instead he sits there calmly with his indoor voice on. He makes sure the adult supremacists would have no reason to prosecute him. He takes charge of his right to have an opinion.
The teacher speaks up against the student. His face is changing color.
He thinks he is going to begin speaking calmly. Within three seconds his stern talking escalates to violent yelling and monkey like body movements.
"... AND DONT YOU DISRESPECT ME IN MY CLASS! I’m tired of you brain dead students thinking you can talk to me any old way."
"And I’m the one yelling, right?"
"See! It’s that frikking punk attitude that makes me want to hit you little eyesores!"
" so you’re basically getting all mad and riled up because I have my opinion? Your mad because someone wont let you step on their nuts and spit on your face. Please, by all means be angry. I would be angry too if I thought I had so much power and I realized that I was just picking on a bunch of kids."
"You know what, I’m tired of your mouth. GO to THE office NOW!!!"
(Note: He has some type of disorder that when his blood pressure rises or he gets toexcited, he cant speak in a steady tone.)
"Of coarse, bossman."
The middle finger on the back of his hoodie seems to glow as he walks out the room with his bookbag. He walks the hall with an unsatisfied, blasé expression on his face. On the way to the office, he stops at the guidance counseler, which was advice from the principle at an earlier date.

He notices that the room looks different. He see’s a darker figure in the chair instead of the bulimic and pale Mr. Roulerzine.

“Lean, 6 foot 1, Taiwanese mother, African American Father. Enjoys reading comics, hanging with friends and has a passion for art. Pop artist. Yet to reveal power. Power still unknown.

Nice to meet you Akatsuki Banga. I’m your new Horrible Sexy Guidance Counselor.

I’m here to deliver your Prophecy. SMILE FOR THE CAMERA!!!”

CLICK!!!