Sewer Fungus and Nut Kicking Spree's

Its 4 AM.
I cant get any sleep because of the two children in my house abusing their new bodies.
The decided to come in my room and replace my glass of liquor that i keep on my bedside table with a mixture of anti-freeze and heroin. (which I have no idea how the got access to.)
Noramaly this would have been ok but I needed my sleep for the next morning when i have my nut kicking spree. And to add to the terrible sickness I now feel, they can both poop out dinosaur sized feces into a glass. I mistook it for chocolate and guzzled it down.
Their new bodies and trying to kill me. Jehosophat loves me but is just too playful. I'll set up a hammer and springboard by his nuts tomorow. And Silvia has a deep hatred for everything.... including me.
Oh god! Here come the little bas****s with knives, batons, rubber bands and stethescopes!
HELP..........

Connection cutoff messege:
Hey, sorry bout that. either im dreaming about doing terrible things to your family's pet or im throwing toe fungus, found in the sewers, off of my roof and into the city.
Have a HorribleSexyDay

Normalcy

On a bright sunday morning, i took Silvia and Jehosophat to a evil lair owned by an evil scientist on the evil side of town.
Im very good friends with this evil scientist.
We arrived at his house after a long walk full of annoying questions such as
Jehosophat: "Are We going to the park?!?!"
Silvia: Are we gonna watch you commit suicide?!?!
Jehosophat: The ZOO?!?!
Silvia: Body off a cliff?!?!
Jehosophat: AMUSEMENT PARK!!??!!??!!
Silvia: SEPPUKKU??!!??!!??!!??
and such.
We walk up his excessivly long driveway and seep into the fog a black clouds. Bats decide to fly around the tip of his mansion for a reason unknown to me. We finally reach his door. I flick the sweat off my forehead and wipe it on Jehosophat's packed lunch. Just as im about to knock on the door, it slowly creeps open and bats come flying out shooting spiky fecal bullets at us. I run through the door making sure that I get to safety before them because im that caring. Id crush them if I were to get hurt.
We get into his house safely..... Well, I did at least, and there was the scientist standing there. He had long black curly hair, a black cloak that had an alien blood, purple interior. He was six foot 3. Around my height. As he slowly and eerily walked towards me, I saw two small, shapr, white object by his mouth. Looked like extremly sharp teeth, with a tint of dark red.
Then he clapped *CLAPP!* and The kids jumped in horror.
The light turned on the light.
"DRUNK!!!!" The scientist yelled out in a romanian accent.
" Well if it isnt Dragos. Your bats tried to attack me with their anus'"
"Yes. sorry about that, but i just returned home today from my family in southern Romania. Those bats just seemed to make themselves at home in my house while I was gone, but i dont mind. So what brings you here?"
"Well I wanted to see if you could help these kids that ive taken in with their deformaty problem."
"Lets see, Head on the neck? NO PROBLEMO!"
He brought us into his basement and got to work right away.
Blood crudling screams exploded out the house throughout the 2 hr procedure.
At the end of the night I got to walk home with two children instead of one and a half and two bite marks on my neck.

I regret corrying you for nine months.

My Fish Have Feet

I sleep with the mindset of a million dead pilgrims and wake up in a pool of sweated out sins. What a wonderful day.

Schedule:

• Wake up in a thick green puddle under a car.
  
• Find my way back home.
  
• Eat some leftover ardvark.
  
• Give Jehosophat and Silvia spankings for pooping next to the toilet when I specifically gave them instruction not to.
  
• Leave my house in search of the monk that beat me up in an alley and stole my lizard drugs.
  
• Come home with a monks foot for dinner and a bag full of lizard secrestions.
  

Jehosophat and Silvia eat well.

Sex Kills and Creates Mutated Babies

I decided to take a step onto the city sidewalk today and take a whiff of the polluted air. I took a deep breath and choked violently. The Aids in the air attacked my lungs visciously with no sympathy not pity toward my blackened organs. After composure was regained, i started my morning hunt for orphan kittens and other mentally impaired mammals of the city. It seems they were all waiting for me in the alley.(Most likely because i still had not payed them in kibble for the last time they helped me against the force of Drunk mutiny.) I wasnt buying into it. The were plotting against me. I decided to go hunt in a different section of the city seeing as how my center city mammals have betrayed me.
Alleys of the South Side.
The industrial factory smoke is much thicker than that of Center City's. It reeks of underpaid slaves and cheap drugs.
I walk down a neighborhood where there is a sea of children in the streets playing and reaping each other. A parent on her porchis yelling at her chil with the utmost disrespect. The scruffy child yells out,
" F*** YOU, MOM! Im sick of your hypocritical prejudices against mutation! I hope a train slides off the tracks and rams into your area of rest."
He runs off the porch and jets my way. As he gets closer I start to see a strange growth on his neck.
..............
He has a whole other f***in' head on his neck!
Both heads are bobbing around while tears are streaming of their faces. He screams,
"Our mother doesnt love us!"
The female head on his shoulder says nothing as this is going on. She just looks down with a despondent expression. I grab their arm and lift them up.
"What's your,..... you guys names?"
While im speaking to him, im examining his sister on his neck.
He sniffles a little. Then sucks in a colossal snot glob back into his nose.
"My, My n-name is Jehosophat"
Then the sister talks still with a a depressed look on.
"Im Silvia."
"Ok, guys. Come with me."
I put them down and we star walking and talking.
"My name is........... but you can call me HorribleSexyDrunk, Mr. Drunk or Sensei Drunkwalls."
"OK, SENSEI DRUNKWALLS!!!!"
It seems that Jehosophat owns all the vigor in this family.
"So can I ask you two a question? How did you guys get this way?"
"We have a terrible mother."
Silvia says,
She doesnt love us even though she is the one that made us this way. When she was pregnant with us, she did a lot of stress to deal with the death of our father, with out thinking about the fact that she's pregnant. Our father was murdered by a hawaiin monkey that he was experimenting on in his lab. The monkey was named Nepolean. The drug that was injected into Nepolean was unstable and caused it to go insane. In its rage of insanity, it murdered our dad. Then Nepolean proceeded to try and enslave the human race, except for the hawaiins, but his attempt was unsuccessful and he was put in prison.Anyway, the drugs that my mother took were found in my fathers lab. It had some reaction that fused us together while in the womb. And we came out like this."
"Wow!
I want some of whatever she's taking!(under breath)
Well usually I express my deep hatred for children but seeing as how your mother is disusted by your very appearence, I'll take you guys to stay with me.(They can be my SLAVES!! BWAHAH!)"
Silvia: "Really!! I mean... I dont care."
"That'd be awesome to get away from our bastard mother who doesnt fed us."
" T'would. Now come on. I have thirteen kung fu ardvarks to find, capture and skin."
We spent the rest of the day fighting ardvarks with opposable thumbs. When we got back to the house we went straight to eat.
"Eat your ardvark ear Jeahosaphat"
"OK!"
" I really cant stand saying your names. (While choking on Ardvark Genitals) I now dub thee Sir ......... I cant think of anything. I'll rename you later."
I layed out the rules at dinner. You know, the basics like
"No defecating next to the toilet. I know kids like to do that."
and
"My drugs are off limits. If you want your own, you ask me before you go in the alley and i must be with you."
The Basics.
I set up their new room. After the went to sleep, I went to the bar to think of a plan to bring them back to normal. My seat at the bar was ready for me to get my midnight fuel.
"GIVE ME THE MOST ILLEGAL DRINK THAT YOU HAVE, BARTENDER!!!"
"With pleasure." The bartender is always happy to see me.
While enjoying a bitter alcoholic beverage, my plan came to mind and blueprinted itself out.
These kids will be normal.

Silvia Dreamt of Hawaiin Monkey's, World war III and me dressed as Tarzan trying to infect the world.

Sweet, Sweet Escapism

"I’m tired of you teachers taking advantage of your power! Some of the other students might be ok with your abuse but I wont take that s#!t. I won’t sit here quietly while this injustice is going on."
Young strongly spoken student speaks his mind against the corruption going on in the educational system. It happens in all systems of the world. He dare not raise his voice but instead he sits there calmly with his indoor voice on. He makes sure the adult supremacists would have no reason to prosecute him. He takes charge of his right to have an opinion.
The teacher speaks up against the student. His face is changing color.
He thinks he is going to begin speaking calmly. Within three seconds his stern talking escalates to violent yelling and monkey like body movements.
"... AND DONT YOU DISRESPECT ME IN MY CLASS! I’m tired of you brain dead students thinking you can talk to me any old way."
"And I’m the one yelling, right?"
"See! It’s that frikking punk attitude that makes me want to hit you little eyesores!"
" so you’re basically getting all mad and riled up because I have my opinion? Your mad because someone wont let you step on their nuts and spit on your face. Please, by all means be angry. I would be angry too if I thought I had so much power and I realized that I was just picking on a bunch of kids."
"You know what, I’m tired of your mouth. GO to THE office NOW!!!"
(Note: He has some type of disorder that when his blood pressure rises or he gets toexcited, he cant speak in a steady tone.)
"Of coarse, bossman."
The middle finger on the back of his hoodie seems to glow as he walks out the room with his bookbag. He walks the hall with an unsatisfied, blasé expression on his face. On the way to the office, he stops at the guidance counseler, which was advice from the principle at an earlier date.

He notices that the room looks different. He see’s a darker figure in the chair instead of the bulimic and pale Mr. Roulerzine.

“Lean, 6 foot 1, Taiwanese mother, African American Father. Enjoys reading comics, hanging with friends and has a passion for art. Pop artist. Yet to reveal power. Power still unknown.

Nice to meet you Akatsuki Banga. I’m your new Horrible Sexy Guidance Counselor.

I’m here to deliver your Prophecy. SMILE FOR THE CAMERA!!!”

CLICK!!!

Spongebaths And Scouring Pads With Grandma

Ive come down with some type of terrible flesh eating disease. My skin itches and burns with fury. I plan my immune systems punishment as we speak.
Excessive input of Vitamins and Heroin into my bloodstream?
Sounds effective.
So Today I sat inside of Starbucks with my laptop and a cup of caffeine. No coffee. no hot chocolate. Just pure, liquid caffeine.
While I was sitting there drinking my cup of methyltheobromine, (thank god for Friedrich Ferdinand Runge) I overheard a couple of teens having a conversation. It went something like this.

"Man! Its been such an awesome summer so far!"
"yea, completely fuxxin rocker!"
"So, you tryna go to my place and smoke some weed tonight? Invite some friends? Have an awesome hotroom?"
"Nah man. Thats that pansy ish. Im only into the hardcore drugs. You know, like blow, Dexies, Pink Jesus, White elephant, Hydro, Special K, Acid, Meth, Whippets, Death, Angel Dust, Shrooms, Green Devils, Molly......."
The list went on for about 10 minutes. I fell asleep and woke up at the end of the list.
"......Nembies, cotton, glue, you know, hardcore stuff like that"
"wow....... I, I think i'd like to try that."
"ALRIGHT NOW WE GOT A PARTY!!!!! We'll start off with DEATH!"

I turned back to my computer, wrote a story about pain and stupidity. I feel as though the stupidity of those teens is what cause me to be diseased. I went home and slept. I woke up and decided to call Ken Sato to tell him about my illness. He got worried and told me to soak in a tub of hot water. He'll be over here shortly. I am now soaking in the bath which is doing my body good. I feel as thou i'll be better in no time. The there is a knock on the bathroom door. I assume its Ken.
"Hey Ken. This was a great idea. I feel a lot better. Like Pyromaniac in a burning building. I think i'll be fine."
It turns out that it wasnt Ken. It was my deaf, partially blind, petafilic grandmother. "Wakey Wakey!!! Its time for your SPONGEBATH!!!" She walks in with dishwashing liquid and a scouring pad. Lord, When you stop hating me, I was wondering if you could help me or kill me.