Wake Up With Dirty Demerits In Corner Of My Eye

Death awaits me as i regain conciousness. I open my eyes. Vision is blurry. My eyes begin to burn. As i raise my head up, the color changes from a blurry periwinkle and into a flash of light yellow. My hair is dripping back into the pool of unknown liquid that i awoke in. I hope its not the same liquid as before. I cough. Blood sprays out. I look at my blood dissolve into the water. "What the hell am i on right now?"

While staring down at the water, I run through a list of possible senarios in my head:

I was drugged by the government. Last night at the pub, the lovely lady(or so it seemed during my intoxication) that i was conversating to about Paulie Shore's plot to turn the population of Philadelphia into a hoard of newspaper eating cavemen, was actually a government agent. A male government agent dressed up, for no female on this earth could withstand the alluring scent of alcohol on my breath and my rusty, unshaven beard. They would instantly fall to their knees and beg for my children......While i went to the bathroom to spit at the image of myself in the mirror, the agent must have slipped a government drug into my drink.... one of my many drinks that i had at the bar counter. When i came back from the bathroom, happier than before, I downed the remaining four mugs of pissy smelling juices. henceforth not remembering anything after. But it probably involved the government probing my brain and the rest of my body, stealing the useful information that is secretly well hidden in the depths of my gonads.

I was caught in a brawl in the alley across the street from the Pencil Mart on Liver Street. A tussle with the armidillos from Section 9 of South Philly. They found out about me releasing my bowels on their leaders billboard. They attacked because its their only form of product advertisment since their commercial got banned of the air for making Santa Claus look like a pedophile.

I strolled into the anarchist bookstore and saw Paul Barman sitting behind the counter sitting behind the counter, sipping coffee in a "Stab Stab Stab" mug and reading a book called "The Art Of Stumbling Awkwardly". He looked up at me and gave me some dap. I then took the dap and stuck it in my pocket. I might possible need it later when i sob in the darkest corner of my home, because of the radio next door playing such blasphemous music such as Lady Clitterdahsk. I walk around the Anarchist Bookstore hoping to find some literature that was a little more....anarchy. I stumbled upon a book called "Making 3rd Grade History Teachers Upset". It instantly caught my eye and my hand raced for it. When my hand gripped the book, it was met by a bulky black, hairy-knuckled(Kah-nukk-uhled) fist. My eyes followed the hand back up the arm, to the owners face. I couldn't really see anything but eyes. His face was pitch black. It shocked me honestly. My first reaction was to shove my foot deep into his colonary system. As I cocked my foot back to project it into his(or its) rectum, he smiled at me. A very soft, innocent smile. Teeth and eyes. I stopped and then looked into his deep soft brown eyes and felt sympathy for him(or it) as if it were as sick fat bunny. Then I flicked a dread from my eye, cocked my foot back as swiftly as i could, and blasted my foot forward to his crotch. I grinned and got ready to laugh when he was to fall to the floor with a tear in his eye....... It didn't happen this way. Instead, my foot got stuck. In what, I don't know. His smile disappeared until it was just eyes again. I struggled to remove my foot from whatever it was stuck in but it just wouldn't budge. Then he looked at me and said "I like to keep my butthole in the front. BWAHAHA!"I was shocked. He grabbed my throat with great ferocity. I was ripped from his frontal anus and lifted off the ground. I had lost feeling in my foot. I cursed under my breath."Big ape, buffoon, neanderthal. Is it really ok to try to cause people pain who have done nothing to you. Pillow biter. Kitty licker."He then carried me outside. My face, by this time, had started turning blurple. He was looking around. He noticed the light shining from the statue in the pool/fountain at the middle of the city. I saw his teeth again as he formed a horrible grin. The he cocked me and his arm back and tossed me over the city, into the pool/fountain.Sylvia and Jehosophat plotted against me once again. They sent out the elderly ladies from the retirement home on Slithroat Street. the paraded through the door and started singing xxxmas caroles while i was in bed sleeping. The broke out into song and dance around my bed. I got up and walked through the bundle of ladies to my closet. I pulled out my blood stained bat and began pounding each one of them over the head and face. It didn't seem to be working. Each time i'd hit one, they'd fall and pop up with two more ladies. The were spontaneously reproducing. They began singing louder and louder. They hooked their arms around mine. My ears began to bleed. I then decided that death was more enjoyable than dealing with Sylvia and Jehosophat's bullyish. I reached under my bed and pulled out a bottle of my special liquor. I only use this liquor on special occasions. I then poured it over my head and let it drizzle down my body. I then took a match and struck it against one of the old ladies dry lips. As a chunk of her lip cracked off, i threw the lit match over my head. It land in the center of my dome and I combusted into flames. I then ran around the house one more time maniacally. Naked and on fire. I then gave The kids a disrespectful finger and jumped out the window, into the pool/fountain, still holding my disrespectful finger.


These are the only logical happenings that could cause me to wake up here...